the title of this blog you could be forgiven for thinking I’m a callous bitch who ‘deletes’ people from her life on a whim.
I’m actually fiercely loyal, loving and thoughtful. However, I am absolutely capable of walking away from a relationship of any kind if it’s not good for me. I don’t walk easily, and sometimes I should have walked earlier. What triggers this behaviour in me?
Mostly, it’s a sudden raising of my awareness that person X is treating me in a way which doesn’t feel healthy for me. Sometimes I become aware of a numbness of my previous feelings for that person. I work on it first. I explore how I’m feeling. I consider what I want to do about it. Sometimes I talk to that person in an effort to resolve the situation. It could be a partner, a friend, a business acquaintance; these are all relationships which can affect me on a personal or professional level.
Has anybody sprung to your mind while you read this? It doesn’t have to mean somebody who has treated you badly. Sometimes we outgrow people, or relationships.
Do you find yourself always investing more in one particular relationship than the other person ever does? Do you feel resentful, angry or depressed because you’ve been treated in a way which causes you damage or upset? Maybe it’s time to do a ‘relationship audit’.
Look at your relationships with your partner, your children, your parents, your children, your friends, your work colleagues, even. Don’t only look at what you get from the relationship, but also what you invest.
Do either of you have characteristics or behaviour that is a relationship destroyer? Look out for: –
Lack of trust
Lack of respect
Laziness (not making an effort – no investment)
Abuse, of any kind
Lack of intimacy
Lack of healthy communication
Lack of assertiveness – ignoring your own needs, maybe never asking for them to be met.
Sometimes you can set yourself up for consistent failure and unhappiness with relationships, all on your own. Do you have an unwritten, unspoken relationship ‘rule book’? For whatever reason (and that’s a whole different subject!), this will undoubtedly cause you heartache, over and over again. When people don’t abide by your rules, you’ll feel hurt, disappointed, angry and undervalued. It could take many years before you realise that you are the common denominator in broken friendships or partnerships. Write your rule book down. Reflect on it. Does it seem unrealistic when you see it in black and white? Consider easing up a bit.
When you’ve completed your ‘audit’, consider what you would like to do in each case. You do have choices! Maybe you will discover that you would benefit from having honest and assertive conversations designed to get back on track. Maybe you feel that you need to invest a little more yourself, whether it’s emotion or time. Maybe you want to walk away, to hit delete. Whatever you choose to do, do it thoughtfully, realistically and not in the throes of anger or other negative emotions. You need a cool head to do this kind of exercise, or you may regret your decisions later on.
Whatever you do, I wish you happiness in the future, with relationships that are mutually rewarding.
If you think you could do with a little extra support to work through this exercise, get in touch.
By Judith Flowerday
I've been thinking about writing this post for some time. You see I turned 40 this year and it's been a milestone for me. I've been on a personal journey coming to terms with my age and my body and I'd like to share it with you
Six months before the big day, I was like '40? Cool. I'm going to be fabulous by 40. Plenty of time on my side - I'm going to loose two stone and look like I did when I was 20. Yay!'
Three months before it was 'Okay, don't panic. There's still time. I'll start running, download an exercise app. I'll look great when I'm slimmer...'
One month before I was thinking 'Come on you can do it. Those people on Island survival with Bear Grylls lost loads of weight in four weeks. Just don't eat Sarah, simple'
On the day of my birthday my thoughts were 'You're crap. All that time you had to loose weight, how stupid. Just find something to cover yourself and get pissed. That'll have to do.' So I did... it was messy...
Does this sound familiar to you? I hope not. Loathing your body is rubbish. It's consuming. It takes effort and too much time. However, recent surveys show that 91% of women are not happy with the way they look. That's most of us!
Now people assume that because my husband runs a sex shop (Sorry Martin, Boutique of Love) that I must one hot Mama at all times. The truth is I know I can be, but mostly I am
Doesn't leave much time fore me does it? Certainly not enough to go running, swimming, weight training, count calories and style myself every morning!
So what to do? Well I know I can't keep hating my wobbly tummy and I know it's unlikely to go any time soon, which leaves just one option. Love myself instead.
'Gaaah!!!!' says the voice in my head 'That's impossible!!!!' and in a sense it's right. I've become used to loathing myself, it's taken years of training. Years of scanning through magazines, watching telly, gazing in awe at celebrities and models showing me how I could look with effort. How I should look in fact. How on earth do you change that?
The answer is slowly. But it is possible. Here are my suggestions to help
Surround yourself with the people you love, that love you. Get rid of the competitors, the judgers, the energy drainers, the back stabbers. You'll be left with folk that don't give a f**k about how you look, they just want to see you happy
Stop comparing yourself to others, it won't help. Besides, how much do you really know about them? Sure you might think they look amazing, but nobody's life is perfect so concentrate on YOU
Be real. These images of 'beautiful' women that the media force feed us with are heavily staged and massively retouched. NOBODY looks their best all the time, it's not sustainable. And if they do, what happened to the rest of their life??!! Boring
Be kind to yourself. In fact be kind to everyone and everything! Look up at the clouds, read a book, listen to the birds, start a hobby, study the eyes of the one you love. Seriously, we only get one shot on this planet and when you start to enjoy it, the things that usually bother you fade away
Be an example. I'm sure most of us have another person in our life that we influence, be it kids, sisters, friends... Make sure that you are responsible with your attitude to your own image and that of others so that we can stop the culture of body shaming now
Start taking small steps today. How you look doesn't matter, it's about that twinkle in your eye. Listen to your favourite album and smile - it's far more attractive than a tonne of makeup
I have three more recommendations for you. Check out Constance Hall This woman is a QUEEN, she'll make you feel normal and become fabulous. I've pre ordered the book! Also take a look at Celetse Barber a comic genius who frequently micky takes celeb Instagram shots. Finally, have a watch of this film trailer, Embrace It's about a woman's journey to embrace her body and inspire others, out on August 4th
That's it. I really must go and crack on with Mummy and housewife duties and maybe I'll be a minx later. It's certainly more likely now that I'm learning to love my body
Be happy peeps. I hope this goes some way in brightening your day. Remember how beautiful you are and let go of the rest